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  #31  
Old 15th February 2018
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https://xossip.com/showpost.php?p=75691172&postcount=15


https://xossip.com/showpost.php?p=75691310&postcount=1

Disqualified

आज रहब येही आँगन (अति लघु-कथा)
Writer posted it as thread too
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Last edited by banned : 15th February 2018 at 11:06 PM.

  #32  
Old 15th February 2018
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The Curious Case of Rajkumari Avantika by Trambak

Well practically the first entry of VSC2018 and Cute is glad...

Well the story is simple... the writer is telling the story to "R" The flow the narrative style was good as always... but the thing which kept me thinking was the plot... why why he wrote it like this

All possible thoughts was indicating to only one way... The plot was actually kind of a conversation... Avantika was the representative of the youth... and in her shadow Tram Unkil was trying to make "R" understand... that idealization of love and soul mate is void! Love will only happen in its most unpredictable ways! and as every youngster "R" was bored... yeah yeah... we are really not a good listener! we see look so closely... that it becomes hard to see the actual thing...

at the end Avantika speaking haryanvi was lovely!

But still ... why? if he was upto this... then Trammi had better ways... why like this yes the choice of topic was quite not satisfying! i waited for the Trambak touch... and it ended like this!

then our last conversation gave me the key... my god! the Rajkumar Rajkumari and pokkhiraj... it was just the teaser the metaphor would be the accurate word for this i think

And well the spring is already here with Trammi's second story but without reading this... someone cant enjoy that fully

P.S You have taken Rooted so seriously that you have started calling yourself Tram Unkil is the "R" is Rooted??
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  #33  
Old 15th February 2018
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My Thoughts on
Rekha and Manish
by
Trambak

1st of all, is it you? Your writing surprisingly similar with one of my favorite writer. Anyway, I will pass on my comments as if you are Trambak and not him, so there shouldn't be any bias.

This is a story about perspective. You brought the story onto a certain point, where you could drove it any way according to your wish.

Total control over the plot I must say. A good writer should be able to make its reader empathetic with the characters and you sould get 100% on that account.

Till "that" point, I was afraid that you might give the story a popular turn and finish it as one might thought. But, I am very happy to see that you chose the right way and blew our mind.

What I would have done if I ever get a chance to write a story on the same plot? Well, I would have never selected it for a short story.

The mental tussle and the perspective you tried to show in the plot, is not possible withing this many words. It requires careful nurture and enough space to flurish. So, in some placed it seemed rushed and unfinished.

But, kudos to you, that even without the deep insight, it was a great read. Thank you again for presenting us with such a smooth well narrated and thoughtful plot. All the very best for the contest Bhai.
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  #34  
Old 15th February 2018
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Review: My Bloody Valentine By Bad Joker

Review
My Bloody Valentine
By Bad Joker



The virtual valentine girlfriend, a monstrosity, a blue whale program slowly extends its tentacles like a giant octopus and sucks out a man's ability to recognize real death.

What is interesting is that the masculine ego refuses to recognize the trap and embraces as its friend.

The protagonist extracts his revenge for his neglect that stems out of our obsession with good looks. He uses his intelligence to introduce an application that slowly but surely spreads like a narcotic and numbs the mind and converts humans to zombies.

The linguistic prowess of 'Bad Joker' is evident from the ease with which he weaves his narrative. The staccato of talking to self is an additional novelty. The anger is evident.

The slow submission of the human race to technology is frightening, to say the least.

A diificult topic to choose.

Great job.

All the best.

Trambak

  #35  
Old 16th February 2018
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Story no. 6 by kumar 97

Bhai aapna story ko naam hi nahi diya
Aur apna jisa tarha family ka bara ma bataya mujha laga incest hogi pera apna hama nirash kiya. Aapki story ma mujha ek baat bohot achi lagi ki ladki bhada ma jaya samosa thanda nahi hona chahiya ladki toh aa jaygi samosa ka liya toh pasa lagaga. Story thodi aur badiya ho jati agar aap hero herion ka bich kuch love moment show karta. Baki try tha try hi rahaga. 1 star from 5 thanks.

  #36  
Old 16th February 2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Itzcarl3 View Post
Story no. 6 by kumar 97

Bhai aapna story ko naam hi nahi diya
Aur apna jisa tarha family ka bara ma bataya mujha laga incest hogi pera apna hama nirash kiya. Aapki story ma mujha ek baat bohot achi lagi ki ladki bhada ma jaya samosa thanda nahi hona chahiya ladki toh aa jaygi samosa ka liya toh pasa lagaga. Story thodi aur badiya ho jati agar aap hero herion ka bich kuch love moment show karta. Baki try tha try hi rahaga. 1 star from 5 thanks.
bhai naam to diya tha par wo kya hai na editin ke chakkar me ud gaya hoga....wese bhai main thoda love sove ke bare me utna samajh na hai mere ko....isiliye ye ek kosis tha mera love story likhne ka....!
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  #37  
Old 16th February 2018
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Review of review by Cute Angel

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute_Angel2704 View Post
The Curious Case of Rajkumari Avantika by Trambak

Well practically the first entry of VSC2018 and Cute is glad...

Well the story is simple... the writer is telling the story to "R" The flow the narrative style was good as always... but the thing which kept me thinking was the plot... why why he wrote it like this

All possible thoughts was indicating to only one way... The plot was actually kind of a conversation... Avantika was the representative of the youth... and in her shadow Tram Unkil was trying to make "R" understand... that idealization of love and soul mate is void! Love will only happen in its most unpredictable ways! and as every youngster "R" was bored... yeah yeah... we are really not a good listener! we see look so closely... that it becomes hard to see the actual thing...

at the end Avantika speaking haryanvi was lovely!

But still ... why? if he was upto this... then Trammi had better ways... why like this yes the choice of topic was quite not satisfying! i waited for the Trambak touch... and it ended like this!

then our last conversation gave me the key... my god! the Rajkumar Rajkumari and pokkhiraj... it was just the teaser the metaphor would be the accurate word for this i think

And well the spring is already here with Trammi's second story but without reading this... someone cant enjoy that fully

P.S You have taken Rooted so seriously that you have started calling yourself Tram Unkil is the "R" is Rooted??

It is heartening to note that Cute is glad and this gladness is contagious.

Spreads like wildfire and gladdens the cockles of the heart.

First thing first: I love Rooted. He nominated my thread for the AMA award and I think that's a wonderful gesture. Golden heart.

Now the review proper: Cute has identified complexities and angles in the story that I find relevant. That's the fun of short stories. My idea was to launch the VSC contest with a teaser and pep up all to stop thinking and start posting. Therefore the story is under 2000 words and leaves too many open ends for people to inspect and comment.

Though the setting is medieval, the feelings are modern. Pressures on offspring to find the appropriate match is tremendous and often does not take into account the wishes of the parties directly involved.

Similarly, love knocks at unexpected hours in unexpected ways. Fascinating are the mechanisms of love, adoration, and infatuation.

We are sometimes bogged down by stereotypes and try to identify the potential compliant partner through our personal likes, dislikes, prejudices and worst, our own perceived strengths and overlook the qualities that the other person may have with much derision.

The ' risk-taking ethos' in a young person (please don't confuse the term 'young' with age in years!) is astounding that constantly pushes him/her to explore the unknown and face dangers. Pushing boundaries could be a risky game and the outcomes could be undesirable, nevertheless exciting.

The world of fantasy with kings, princes, horses, and pigeons are simply metaphors that Cute points out with elan. The point is whether we are able to combine the fantasy with the real life in a perfect unison or not!

I think we can. And we must

Decide now whether you would like to remain an expensive shining tile in the bathroom or a simple ceramic block of stone in a metal furnace. The choice is yours.

Thanks for your review.

Trammi

  #38  
Old 16th February 2018
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SACHCHA PYAR

Wah wah re wah wah re mere katore wah

2 line ki story ko 25000 characters mein kaise likhein ye koi tumse seekhe kumar babu

Aadhi story mein 500 logo ke introduction hain, jinka ek dialogue tak nahi poori kahani mein

Aadhi story mein bas ye hai "jaisa ki maine pahle bataya" kab bataya be ?

Love story likhne mein hero ke ghar ka architectural map kaun batata hai ? 2 floor, 8 kamre, bahan ka ye maa vo, ek store , kya hai ye ?

"Jaisa ki maine pahle bataya ki hero ne laal chaddi, peeli pant, hari baniyan, safed rumaal, kaali patloon, pahni hai" ye bhi pahle nahi bataya tha bhai
Na to hero ke baap ke kapdo ka showroom ka koi scene aaya jise tumne baar baar bataya to increase word count.
Na sneha ke baap aur maa ka koi kuchh lena dena aaya

Ek launda college gaya, samosha liya, samne ek laundiya baithi hai, uss laundiya ko on the spot uss launde se pyaar ho jaata hai, launde ko ek ladki takkar maarti hai , launde ko uss doosri ladki se pyaar ho jaata hai, launda use propose karne jaata hai, rukta hai , aur ye sochta hai " abey mere baap ka garment shop hai, 2 floor hain, 8 kamre hain, anjali meri bahan hai, sneha ke papa govt teacher hain, maa housewife hai, eklauti beti hai sneha unki, shruti shayad eklauti na ho, uska baap shayad ambani ho, maa neeta ambani ho, chhodo yaar sneha se hi i love bol deta hun"

Wah re wah


Dekho OT walo tumhe infraction dena ho de do, ban karna ho kar do, lekin review ye hi hai aur mere saath bahut bura hua hai
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Last edited by banned : 16th February 2018 at 08:36 AM.

  #39  
Old 16th February 2018
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Saccha Pyar


Bhai pehle to mai aap ko bata doon ki jaisa ki aap ne kaha ki bhot si romantic stories padhi hai xp par. Par dekh kar aisa lagta hai ki sirf insect padhi ho.

Story ki shuruwat ek insect tarike se hui hai... Muje aisa hi laga ki shyad insect story ho.. kyoki anjali apne bhai se bhot pyar karti hai uar ek min bhi reh nahi sakti... Aisa intro me likha hai...

Kahani aage badhti hai, lekin kuch vhize dalne ki bilkul bhi zaruraat nahi thi... Jaise aaj ye kapde pehne... Khana khane ke baad plates utha li... Dhoyi... Wapas rakhi...

Useless description

Aadhi story ke baad heroine ke entry hoti hai...

Waise ek chiz reh gayi hai...

Shruti ka intro vo to diya hi nahi... Uske maa baap kaun hai, kitne bhai bhen hai... Pita kya karte hai... Bhai bhen kya karte hai... Dining table par khana khate hai ki zameen par baith kar... Kapde kaise pehante hai western ya indian... Kitne carode ki property hai... Ye bhool gaye bhai tum batana

Waise remember first rule of romantic story...

Ya to ladka ameer hota hai ya ladki... Ya dono...
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  #40  
Old 16th February 2018
Itzcarl3 Itzcarl3 is offline
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Trambak story rekha and manish

Story tikh ha. Pera english nahi? Barish ma samosa mujha sabsa acha laga. Aapna acha sa dikhaya ki ek misunderstanding kasa log apni zindagi barbaad kara lata ha. I like it. Nice try i will give 2.5 stars from 5

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